You won't get to read this

One day I fell asleep while typing this.

//

Hello you,

I am writing this because the thought of you is keeping me awake. 

After things ended, I realised that I am not good for you, and I don't want you to want me back anymore. Anyway, you have a new girl now & I remembered you said you keep a clean line between friendships and things beyond. I am finally telling you how I feel.

Strange but true, I've been missing you real badly recently. There's nothing I can do. I can only read through our old convos; how petty & trivial our quarrels were, I realised. I don't know why they got me so worked up then. Perhaps stress.

I've been thinking about our past. And also my behaviour in our "relationship". I very well know that the amount of effort I put in was a far far cry from yours. We all know. But what you didn't know (and what I didn't realise until recently) was that I was suppressing my feelings for you. I didn't dare to fall in love. I was afraid that I would get hurt. You've long passed the phase of being a first timer in love so maybe you don't have such problems. But it's a different story for me. I don't know how much a heartbreak is gonna hurt. & I cannot risk that because I don't know if I can handle. But eventually my heart still got broken. By all the mistakes I've made. And all the wrongs I did to you.

I'm really sorry my dear. I wasn't being true to you. I couldn't make up my mind. The devotion was not 100%. There were also many things I wanted to say but couldn't bring myself to say - I have problems showing my affection for people whom I love. I just can't I don't know why. I should also clarify that I am actually not a log (you are gonna laugh at me), I am just a normal girl, but not so normal in the sense that she doesn't dare to expose her true feelings or act like herself. For fear that her self wouldn't be accepted.

Sigh you must be thinking why am I telling you all these now when it's none of your business. I don't know why too. I just feel like telling you. Guess I am still as weird as before?